being a girl sucks.

i hate walmart.
and i hate my period.

walmart didnt have stacker2's or 3's
all they had were shitty farenheit&trimspa
plus i went with my boyfriend &i couldnt
buy them in front of him. so if i was
gonna risk him getting pissed about it, it
wasnt gonna be for shitty pills. ahh !
plus im super bloated and pmsing real
bad. i havent eaten though at all today, only
coffee and gum.
i bought apples and bananas at walmart
since bananas fill me up and apples take a
long time to eat. so it'll be good for when
i need something to hold me over.

ramble ramble

im meeting my boyfriends parents this weekend
so im starting a liquid fast one wednesday.
i need to be down 15 pounds, pronto.
i fucking hate this shit.
  • Current Mood
    annoyed annoyed

anger and androgony

something like this...
something like this fucks you up.
something like this tears you up.
something like this is undescribable.
something like this you dont want to know.

its ripping me apart, from inside to out.
i look back on things now, all the time..
and i smile. but then i cry. because thats
all they are anymore..just memories. its
all i have anymore, a shattered heart.
youve done it before, hurt me. but this,
this is above all pain...and you didnt even
mean it..you couldnt even help it.

and im waiting, still, for your call, to tell
me how sorry you are, and that im your
girl, forever, and you want me to be yours
for always. and i am..i always have been.
because despite anything, past-present-orfuture..
your were my first love, the only boy i have
yet to fall in love with. and thats something that
will never change, its a part of my history now.
you are forever a part of me.

i miss you so much that it physically hurts me.
its all i can think about. and this has changed me.
i wanted to know when things would go back to
normal, but i realized it was never. i wanted to know
when it would stop hurting, but i realized it was never.
i wanted to know when i could see you again, have
you hold me again, kiss me again, talk to you again,
and i realized..it was never.

no one knows how it feels. and i hate those who claim
a broken heart. because no one knows what it is to truly
have your heart broken, not til your heart..your love..
is gone forever..then, tell me what a broken heart is.
tell me what losing all hope feels like...and ill let you cry.
  • Current Music
    at the drive-in

you're it for me..

no one gets it..
not to the same respect
now i know what the meaning
of a broken heart really is...
ive lost the love of my life
ive lost my heart
my courage
my weakness
my strength
im a different person now
a piece of me is gone. forever.
its your hearts desire, the boy
youve fallen in love with, leaving you
forever. with no hope. nothing...just
a shattered heart and physical pain
that you couldn't fathom..
but these words mean nothing.
no words ever could...

i love you andrew
i want you to know that
that i loved you with all my heart
and ill love you forever, til the day i die
the burden of missing you
day by day..minute to minute
will never be lifted, only numbed
you were the love of my life
the worry of my life
and i cared about you more than
anyone else. regardless.
no matter the good times or bad
you never let me go, and i never gave up.

you are my heart
and a piece of my soul
rest in peace angel
i love and miss you
with every breath in my body

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
..i love you baby..forever.
  • Current Music
    radiohead-thinking about you

(no subject)

i got so fed up last night with myself
even though i didnt binge or anything.
i was just standing there with all my
friends, trying to enjoy myself, and all
i could think about was how i disgust
myself. and how they all must think im
gross too...so on the way home i was
actually talking to myself out loud about
a new diet plan and it goes as follows;

sugarfree gum
butterless popcorn
diet coke

2 times a week i am allowed
either a soup or salad, low cal only

gym, 5 times a week

..i need this, i need this, i need this, i need this,
i need this, i need this, i need this, i need this...
  • Current Music
    queens of the stoneage

(no subject)

things to do within the next 2 weeks:

get a job
lose 7lbs
get my nails/toes done
not be pale
not fail english
say what ive been thinking
  • Current Music
    hurt so good


i dont wanna do this anymore
i cant do this anymore
i fucking hate feeling like this
like im worth nothing to no one
not even the one person i want to
be at least something to
and i fucking hate you
i hate you for making me feel like this
all i want to do is cry, and i want you to see it
i want you to know what youre doing
i want to know if you even care
..i know you dont though
  • Current Music
    i hate everything about you

am i your anything . . . ?

i hate this
i hate what im doing
i hate even more what youre doing
i hate this emotional rollercoaster
that i go through every day . . .
especially a day like today
i hate that i try so fucking hard
to find this balance between giving
you time and space but still be there
for you, but it still doesnt seem like
it matters or is making a difference
i hate that i have to question myself
every night before i go to bed if youre
even thinking about me at all..when all
i do is think about this and you
i hate that i dont know anything, and that
im left out of this thing i am part of
i hate that when people ask me about you, i
dont know what to say.
i hate that you ruin my nights without even
doing anything, or even knowing it.
i hate that i have to tip toe around you and
be so conscious of my attitude and actions.
i hate that im feeling so much that i dont
even know what to say or how to put it into words.
i hate the ball that swells in my throat each
time i try to hold back tears.
i hate that you wont talk to anyone about this
i hate the way you raise my hopes just to bring me back down
i hate that my heart is breaking and you wont say a word, not a single word about it
  • Current Music
    afi-morning star

cross your fingers and remember to breathe...

everything is turning grey,
but I won't hold my breath today
cause' I'm not scared and to tell the truth
i just dont care
are you looking for an answer?
when you still don't know the question?

it's like lighting candles in the rain
sometimes life can be a pain...
but don't give up without a fight.
sometimes when you feel afraid, don't give up and run away.

cause' two wrongs don't make a right.
What's the point in crying when you've done nothing wrong.
I t w a s r i g h t t h e r e a l l a l o n g .

katrina sent me this
said it explained my situation to
perfection..guess it kinda does

  • Current Music
    just like heaven <3

(no subject)

and ill hold on, ill wait
i dont know why im willing
and wanting..but i am
im okay with this-i hope
you see that. things are
going to be weird for awhile
and thats okay too. this is
genuine. and you were honest.
i dont know if im any less
confused. but i do know i am
much more at ease. so as for
now, ill just cross my fingers
and remember to breathe. and
when the end is the end and all
is said and done, ill be here,
waiting for you, holding your
jacket . . .


  • Current Music